Your Monday Won't Seem So Bad After Reading These
1. Submitted by Lucas Updyke (Facebook)
Once a girl I was seeing wanted me to use anal beads on her while we did it doggy style. I’m not really into butt stuff so I didn’t know what I was doing, but I went along with it. Since I was new to the whole thing, I didn’t know you’re supposed to pull them out SLOWLY. I pulled them out like I was rip-starting a lawn mower — the result? One screaming woman, one horizontal shit-fountain, one ruined bed, and one ended relationship.
2. Submitted by augustinem2
My ex said my “pretty eyes” would make him cum too quick, and he smothered my face with a pillow to hide them. I tried to lift the pillow off with a little too much force and pushed him off of me; I had to drive him to the emergency room for stitches in his head because it smashed into the bedside table. I also farted during anal sex that night and his penis shot out!
3. Submitted by Jason Garcia (Facebook)
Once I was pooped on during sex and no, I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m probably the biggest germaphobe on the planet, so you can imagine my reaction. There was a lot of horrified screaming and cursing, followed by an hour-long scolding hot shower with a scouring pad, followed by awkward silence.
4. Submitted by Justin Thomson (Facebook)
I met a girl one night while I was on vacation in the Dominican Republic and went back to her room. I was really drunk and decided to try some fancy moves; I lost my balance in the process, and fell headfirst into the glass sliding door next to her bed. It was tempered glass, so it shattered the entire door.
5. Submitted by juliac440a16176.
I went home with this big redneck guy after a field party one night, and while we were having sex, his tooth fell out on me. I thought it was sweat because it was dark, but then he said, “Could you put my tooth back in my mouth for me?” It was so gross, but we ended up dating anyway.
6. Submitted by Linz Marie Narrie (Facebook)
I was having sex and the condom came off inside of me, and he had to fish it out. Luckily it didn’t ruin the mood — it was just extremely awkward for a minute.
7. Submitted by amongthetrees778
Once I was hooking up with a guy for a couple months during the Christmas season.I had one of those clementine oranges sitting on my desk, and while still inside of me, he stopped and started eating the orange. After my incredulous look he said, “Refreshment break.”
8. Submitted by Samantha Zimlich (Facebook)
I was head over heels with my friend who was a couple of years older than me, and in a band. As soon as I turned 18, we hung out and decided to “watch a movie.” He put on Moulin Rouge and halfway into our hookup session, I got on top. After a few minutes I realized he was mumbling something. I listened closer and realized he was singing along to the movie. I stopped and asked him if he was singing, and he must not have realized he was doing out loud.
9. Submitted by caifengforever2
He licked my armpit and asked if he could blow air in my butt to “suck out my farts.”
10. Submitted by Megan Barker (Facebook)
My boyfriend always likes to look at me naked saying, “Verrrrry nice!” in his best Borat impression.
11. Submitted by Georgia Washington (Facebook)
I was doing it with my girlfriend one time and I was on top. We were really hammering away, and all of a sudden I felt my dog licking my balls and asshole from behind. It was pretty messed up.
12. Submitted by amestevan
I was going down on my boyfriend and he was getting really into it, grabbing my head and thrusting. The deep throat was getting to be way too much, so I pushed myself away from him and instantly began to throw up all over my lap, on the floor, and almost on his penis. My boyfriend just watched in horror, but he was quick and grabbed stuff to clean the mess up. He couldn’t even laugh about it for another hour or so, while I was practically in tears from laughing so hard.
13. Submitted by milleralysa.
The first time having sex with my current boyfriend was on a really old bed from the ’50s that was super unstable. The headboard was a shelf, and we were shaking it so hard that my kalimba fell off and hit me in the head. He kept asking if we should stop because I was bleeding badly, but I was really into it and it didn’t really hurt so I said no. When we were done, I went and looked in the mirror and there was this huge bubble of blood on my forehead.
14. Submitted by chisohawa
My ex-boyfriend and I were getting frisky for the first time. When my bra finally came off, he stared at my boobs for a couple seconds, shook them, and started singing, “Jiiiiggglllyyypuuuffff.” We were both 26.
15. Submitted by Neilia Nunes (Facebook)
I wanted to know if my Kegels were working, so I put the Ben Wa balls in and asked my boyfriend to pull it while I squeezed the muscles (arm-vagina wrestle, mind you).The string broke and the balls got stuck inside of me. Fortunately, I was able to “spit” them out, but my first thought was, “Oh, great, now I have to go to the ER and become the laughingstock of the night.”
16. Submitted by laurenreneej
I gave my husband a concussion after I kneed him in the head during a rather violent orgasm. We had to go to the ER. Whoops.
17. Submitted by Sunny Webb (Facebook)
A friend of mine was having boring sex with a one-night stand. She said something to him and he then flexed his arm. She asked, “What the f&$@ are you doing?” to which he replied, “You told me to get awesome.” She followed with, “I told you to GET OFF ME!” My favorite part of this story is that his response to what he thought was a request to “get awesome” was to flex during sex.
18. Submitted by jessannie
My fiancé and I were getting down in our room when our daughter’s cat squeezed through the door. She saw something moving under the covers and decided to attack it, the “it” being my fiancé’s balls. Game over.
19. Submitted by McClueless
My boyfriend wanted to go down on me while I was on my period — he insisted. Funny enough, he came back up gagging and then ran off to puke in my bathroom. Once he finally calmed down he claimed he swallowed a blot clot. It was throughly embarrassing and hilarious at the same time.
